Garatus Felonious IgnatiousStuey
by Midoriri
Summary: ...has come to Hogwarts.


**I wrote this one per request from a reviewer…enjoy…**

Mimi ran down the corridor to the main hall, where everyone was busy eating. Stopping in the doorway, she leaned against it to catch her breath. Nobody looked up. I mean, after all, people came in late and at all hours all the time, so why should one girl make a difference? She swallowed three times before making a mad dash to the Gryffindor table.

"Wait, Mimi, you're over here, remember?!" called a random student.

"Be back…no time…emergency…." She wheezed, finaly skidding to a halt behind Ginny, who was one year above her. "Ginny…Ginny…terrible…" she panted.

Ginny blinked. "Mimi, what are you doing-?"  
Mimi shook Ginny's arms, eyes wild. "IT'S HORRIBLE!!!" she screamed. This finally caught the attention of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, conveniently nearby, of course. (Of course, Ron's sister was right there…)

"Mimi, what's wrong?" asked Hermione.

Mimi was frantically waving her arms around by now. "Horrible! Horrible, awful-!"

"Don't tell me you're displaying the signs of a Sue!" cried Ron, standing up. "Tell me, what new powers do you feel?"

"It's not me!" she cried. "It's…it's…"

"It's what?" everyone chorused.

"My cousin's coming to visit…_I think he's a Gary-Stu_…"

One could swear there was a flash of lightning accompanied with ominous music. Harry even glanced around to find out who had gotten out their record.

Ginny and Hermione exchanged glances. Gary-Stus, while less common then Mary-Sues, where just as horrible… And they had ways of getting into the female's heads, as well as other parts…

"Well, when is he arriving?" asked Ron.

"Yeah, we wanna kill him, like we did that one over there," said Ginny. A sexy-looking skeleton (if a skeleton could indeed by thought of as "sexy") was chained to the wall, Filch desperately trying to remove it, muttering something about "contraband."

"My cousin can't die that easily," Mimi sighed, head hanging. "Believe me, my other cousins have all tried their hardest..."

Just then, Dumbledore stood up, lifting his arms for quiet. "It has come to my attention," he announced, with a look of slight exasperation, "that yet _another _transfer student is arriving."

This was met with all sorts of complaints, particular from the girls. Each and every student had been affected by the onslaught of transfer students, and they all hated them. The new student was always sorted into either Gryffindor or Slytherin, thus drastically outnumbering the other two houses, and they excelled in _everything._ Even Hermione looked bad in class, when a new student arrived.

"Now, I know, we get these a lot," said Dumbledore, in an attempt to quell the groaning. "But maybe, just maybe, this one will be different." He paused, wondering who he was kidding. "Ah, well. Please welcome-"

"Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth," came a voice from nowhere.

"Gesundheit?" asked Ron.

The doors were flung open ("Hey, when did they close?" asked Hermione.) and a gryphon flew in. On its back was a devilishly handsome youth who was much more dashing than Harry and Draco combined. His hair was the color of fresh hay, sitting in the summer sun and carressed by a light and playful breeze. His eyes were blue, blue as the ocean in summer, and only half as watery. His arms were delicate, but still strong in appearance, perfect for embracing a fortunate, giddy girl. His skin was pale, as pale as a beautiful lily in a princess's garden. He swung his legs over the side of the gryphon and leapt to the floor, despite the gryphon being about 30 feet above it. He landed as gracefully as a circus perfromer, an acrobat, a beautiful ballerina.

The school broke into reluctant applause. He was just so handsome and graceful.

Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth strode to the Sorting Hat, which was, yet again, ready to sort a new transfer student. "i amm hear!!" he announced, turning his back to the hat, arms out as if to embrace the whole school. His voice was like a bell. A _manly_ bell. "Luv me." He suddenly stopped, smiling and chuckling, his laugh sounding so very melodious, in a _manly _way. "Oh, how selly of mey, i adon't tneed to tell you all of this, yu wil all luv meh aneeway."

"What's wrong with his dialogue?" asked Ginny.

"I keep saying it, I'll say it again," murmured Hermione, rolling her eyes skyward. "Speaking with poor spelling is not sexy. But they never listen..."

"i am redy to bee sorted," said Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth, smiling even more handsomely and turning back ot the hat.

Snape shuddered.

"Don' they ever stop smilin'?" muttered Hagrid.

"They either smile, cry and angst, or they bitch," whispered McGonagall. "It's never anything else."

Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth walked closer to the Sorting Hat, which appeared to recoil, and lifted it off the stool. He planted the hat on his head, and set his manly posterior on the stool.

"Well, he thinks a lot of himself," said the hat.

"Hey, none of the other students are supposed to hear anything but the House name!" cried Mimi.

Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth smiled even wider, if possible. "Ah, may deer cosin Mimee..."

Mimi, now at her respective table, slapped her forehead. "He can get _his _name spelled right, but not mine..." she grumbled, furious.

"No, dont bee upset, you no i luv yu anywe, mah deer imperfect cuonin."

"But I hate you!" she cried.

"and i hve no capacty to haet."

Mimi nearly tore out her hair.

"keep anylyzing," Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth commanded. "pleez." he added, since he was taught to be polite.

"He thinks he's hot stuff," the hat continued. "And he's very so good at everyting, he can fly, and he has an angsty past."

"oh yes, it is so tragc," Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth sighed, his smile gone, his hand covering his now-closed eyes. "mah mothur died wen i weas young, becuz she hated her absuive housband, mah father..."

The females sighed, despite themselves. It all seemed so tragic...

"Um, how can she die, just because she hates somebody?" asked Ron, loudly.

Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth let out a small sob, and wiped away a glittering tear from his eye. "mey muthor heted my fathur becaudse he was sdo mene to uss and he ebeat her dayly. her poor heart culd stunad t no lungger and hse jumoperdd ouf a brdige, telig me to be strong for her, to crry on the legcy of meh family, the god part, the prt meh muthor cam from...whilts meh fathr, LORD VOLDEMORT, cme from the drk."

All gasped at the words "LORD VOLDEMORT."

"How could such an evil man father a fine young man of seventeen such as you?" came a voice.

"i was sent awwy frum my fther," Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth continued, explaining it all, still wearing the hat. "and he wnted me to be his apprtnice, and mah handsum and mnly body!"

Everyone recoiled. They knew Voldemort was bad, but they didn't know he was a pedophile...

"suo, mah deerest friend, MALFOY," Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth cried, pointed to Malfoy at the Slytherin table. Malfoy had a "Who me?' look on his face. "seaved me and sent my tu the Bowbattons skool, were i starte dmy first year att skololo.'

"But I've never SEEN you!" Malfoy cried. "I mean, you're seventeen, I'm fifteen, how can I save you? And anyway, if I'm two years younger than you, You-Know-Who wasn't in power anymore, so how could he beat you every day?"

But Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth only ignored him. "and befor i manged to leeve, he put oll theese horrilbe scarrs all ofver meh precious nad studdly bodee!" he cried, ripping his shirt open.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Mimi all ducked, trying not to laugh. The bruises and scars were forming a smiley-face with a lightning scar.

"adn this scar is proffe, that i, Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth, am reluy Harrie's BROTHER!"

"WHAT?!" cried Ron. There was a THUD as Harry fainted.

"That's impossible!" Hermione protested.

"nut fro meh fater VOLDEMOLRT, un dmeh mother LIliy."

"You're mental!" cried Mimi.

"oh, meh dearest clasmates and friends, pleeze luv meh wit all you r hersts,o sd to heel meh wonds in meh hert and body..."

Someone retched.

"And, oh, der herMinoe..."

Hermione's eye twitched.

"i luvved you the moment i saw you..." Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth said, walking toward her, still wearing the hat. He got on one knee and, with wandless magic, conjured up a glittering diamond ring. "wil you merry meh?"

"Okay, that's just-" Ron started to protest, as Harry suddenly started awake.

Ginny ground her teeth. "Um...what-ever-your-name-is..."

"Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth."

"Hermione is already-"

"ah, yees," Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth said, hand over his eyes again, a picture of angst. "Herminoe is alredy called fgfor by run wesley."

"Who's Run Wesley?" asked Ron. "Is he someone I should know about?"

"and meh deer perfedt giney-"

Mimi guffawed.

"i canut cooz e you eiter, fur mah heart blongs two anoher..." He whirled around, arms outstretched, Apparating to the Slytherin table, at Draco's side. Draco jumped. "Meh Dear DRACO!"

Ron, unable to stand it any longer, lowered his head to the table, bursting into hysterical laughter.

Draco paled even worse than he had when Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth had first come to him. "_Excuse me?!_" he whimpered.

"draco, yu don't remmber this, bt the knight you seved me, we had a vry passinat night together..."

Ron's laughter intensifed, hand pounding the table so hard the utensils jumped. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or puke.

"Hour kises, our hot hugs, our words whisered to one anther..." Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth continued. "and know i fel guitly becuz i luv Ron as weel!"

Ron's laughing stopped arubtly. Hermione's mouth slowly unhinged.

"and yet, i know know who mey hert tuly blongs to...Meemi!"

Mimi let out a scream as her cousin Apparated to her side now, carressing her cheek. "oh my hder cusin, i don't cre thet were releated, becuz in aw ay were not, snce I am also a much younger version of Snap."

Snape had to be physically restrained by the other teachers. "I'LL KILL HIM!" he roared.

"What a looker you were!" called someone.

Snape, or "Snap," as Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth had called him, was digging into his robes for his wand, muttering about not caring that the penalty was life in Azkaban.

"oh, meeimi, i luv you somuch, let us meat hear in this rom aftr the stdents have gone to bed, and we;ll mak epasinit-"

"Okay, that's it!" roared the Sorting Hat. Right before everyone's eyes, Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth burst into flames, screaming his manly scream of agony. Miraculously, Mimi was not touched by the flames.

Within seconds, all that remained of Garatus Ignatious Felonious Devilishly-Handsome-Youth-Who-Is-So-Much-More-Dashing-Than-Harry-and-Draco-Combined Stuey Mayworth was a pile of dust on the floor, with something that looked like part of a notebook. Mimi backed away in fear.

Dumbledore shook his head as Snape attempted to calm down. "These horrible creatures," he sighed. "Are born from writers who have inferiority complexes or crushes on us, or anything else...and I find that many of them like Pepperjack," he added.

Mimi shuddered, moving as far away from the dust as she could as Filch swept it up and tossed it out a window. The Sorting Hat, unharmed, seemed to wear an air of proud dignity. Sorting those horrid transfer students had gotten a lot easier since Dumbledore had put the Sue/Stu Combustion Charm on it.


End file.
